2008-05-18 - 6:55 a.m.
i think the last time i was this bad was when i was trying to quit meth. i felt worse since then of course..... after being in the hospital i was craazy. actually i don' think that was as bad as when i was trying to get off meth. but anyways... this is different in an important way. i care about life now. i'm trying to be healthy, and i'm, at this point, almost guaranteed to get kicked out of school for being below a 3.0 average for two semesters straight. my first two semesters here. of course two semesters of opiate dependence... if i could just have one more i could make it better. one semester without this fucking drug problem destroying everything.
speaking of destroying everything.... i can't stress enough how fucking awesome i've been this semester. i've worked my ass off, i kicked ass, lots of things having to do with ass, but in a good way. and now it's all gonna mean NOTHING. most of the time i pray for all of the grade to be determined by the final because i put off studying or doing any homework, but this semester, i've kicked ass on the homwork, but there wasn't much, i've been on top of the studying but i only had one exam. and now.... now i can't even do what i could do a month ago and i'm gonna be expected to do more on top of that. more i would have been able to do had i not been completely useless the past month. i'm seriously thinking i'm gonna have to get some kind of documented medical excuse to get a chance at this. i'm gonna have t5o go see a doctor or nurse practitioner, beg them to help me, tell htem my story, then do the same with my department and the executive office of my school. that won't be fun, begging for mercy. but that's basically where i'm at, if i want a chance at doing what i want to do. the only other thing i want to do is music, but i'm so much further along at this, and it'll be so much easier to have a career with it. music is hard and unreliable and who knows i probably suck at it. with physics it's a lot more impressive to have a degree and i have a lot more opportunities. if i'm gonna do both, but choose one to get paid for, i'd choose to get paid for physics. i have no interest in making money with music and i don't want to be forced into that. i guess at this point i could still get good job. not a lot of people even have masters degrees in physics. but stilll..... I WANT TO LEARN MORE! fuck man, this is what i want to do. whatever happens i'll find a way through life, but i was hoping for this. i should stop allowing myself to think i need it though.
bah bah bah. point is i've gotten to where i am convinced i probably won't be able to make it here, and if that happens i don't know what i'll do and whatever it is it won't be easy or anything close to ideal.
it's so weird..... like only a week from now i'll know how all of this turns out, and at that point i won't freak out about it.... hell a month from now it won't even matter anymore because whether i succeed or not i will have found a path, whether it be the one i'm hoping to travel or one i have to find as an alternative because this one has become closed off to me.
50 minutes before i can buy alcohol again. i can't go to sleep. i should. it would make all of these problems go away. no that's a lie, but it would make these feelings go away at least temporarily. but instead i'm clinging to this experience like i always do when the experience gets especially intense. it's exciting to me i guess, even though it's devastating. maybe i'm still waiting for that one person to save me. like i always used to. maybe it's burned into my soul, and my uncontrollable desires.
it's like i'm always waiting for someone to save me. and since it never came, i still go back to that when things get at their worst. and the only person who insisted on being there for me isn't. not because she failed in any way. i guess that's the point. is that no matter how great someone is or how much they want to be there, they can't always. i'm not gonna start forcing people to wake up by calling or texting over and over. certainly not shelby, who i wanted more than anything to invite me over or ask to stay over, for various reasons. fuck. i'm eternally lonely, and when i'm not i seek out the feeling of it like a fucking dope addict. no that's not true.... like a dope addict who adamantly refuses to do dope. hmm... not only am i a pile of contradiction (and shit) but also of... analogy? whatever
and then there's the thought of "i wonder if shelby is fucking someone else right now. naahhh.... she's sleeping, but i still wonder if she fucked someone last night"
for the millionth time, here and elsewhere, it's not my business, nor should it be of my concern. but seeing someone so devoted to you appear to move on can be crushing, even if you're the one who forced them to move on.especially if you have to sit around nd watch them move on and care less and less, and want you less and less. she didn't even try to stay over tnight... i even asked her if she wanteed to sit down when she stopped by and she was like nah i'll just take your tylenol pm and melatonin and be on my way. i even started crying and basically told her i couldnt handle life anymore, and despite her insisting i let her know if i need help (and i don't know of any bigger cry for help) she didn't stick around. and who the fuck else am i supposed to ask? never anyone. not in years. used to be i was on call for my friends 24/7 but i never had anyone when i really neeeded them. of course even if they COULD be thre lot of times they just didn't want to be because let's face it it's hard to handle a close friend saying and especially doing very negative selfdestructive things. so now i can't even ask for help. and when someone offers they are never really there when it matters. maybe that's unfair.... maybe it only seems to really matter because it only gets hat dire where they are not there. i dunno
ok i'm been rambling for a while. if i leave in just a few minutes, then by the time i get to the store i can buy as much alcohol as i want. right now i just wish i could still cry. i wish i could fall apart like i did an hour ago so i could justify this extreme lack of responsibility andhealthy behavior.