2008-05-18 - 12:27 a.m.
i spent a lot of time tonight reading through a suboxone forum. I came to the conclusion that I would have been better off either staying on the suboxone indefinitely, or simply going cold turkey and never starting the suboxone treatment.
i have been sick for a month. i have probably mentioned this numerous times in the past few days that i've been updating. apparently this isn't that uncommon. every post i read was either of people still on the suboxone saying it was the best thing in the world, or people trying to get off it saying it was the worst experience they have ever had.... people who have been opiate addict for years and gone cold turkey several times. I can handle some fucking withdrawals. i can handle fucking agony and wanting to die for a few fucking days or a week. been there, done that. what i can't fucking handle is being useless and possibly getting kicked out of school BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO GET FUCKING CLEAN. i mean come the fuck on.... a month of withdrawals? most people say their doctors claim it's all in their heads. i'm fucking sorry, i am starting to believe this whole paranoia about suboxone being used by doctors who are just trying to make money. that's the impression i got from my doctor. he never told me it would last this long or be this hard. he said it would be hard of course.... but when i gave up and went back to him "oh you need to pay 700 dollars for at least two visits if you want to see me again" even though i was just asking him for a small prescription to get me through finals. as for this being in my head.... is having fucking diarrhea for a MONTH all in my head? is being starving like crazy but unable to eat all in my head? is it in my head when i try to insist i can work again only to struggle like crazy and barely get anything done all in my head? is the fact that the slightest amount of caffeine (i even tried tea today) makes me feel crazy and disgusting all in my head? the crazy part maybe, it's in my head but it's sure as hell because something is fucking wrong with me, and something is wrong with me because i stopped taking a medication that was supposed to EASE me through withdrawals, not make them take so fucking long that it's destroying my life. i feel fucking angry all the time, i want to stab myself and punch things and fucking just go up to someone and beat the shit out of them for no reason at all. this isn't me. i've never been like that, before during or in between my drug use.
point is that after a month i still am most definitely going through withdrawals. i have never been so productive and on top of things as when i was on the suboxone. and it wasn't because i was high. i didn't necessarily feel good, i was simply able to drink a reasonable amount of caffeine and stay focused on something for a reasonable amount of time, taking breaks here and there, like a normal person should be able to be. and it wasn't necessarily easy, but doable. i worked my ass off this semester and now it's all going down the fucking drain because i was stupid and wanted to be drug fucking free. i could get a bag of heroin every day for less that i was paying for my suboxone treatment, and get off it in less than a week. again.... I CAN HANDLE THE FUCKING WITHDRAWALS. i've been through enough shit with drugs that nothing a drug can offer or threaten by itself can scare me. maybe that was too bold a statement, but you get the idea. if i had a week off last winter, between school and having to go visit my family, i would have gone cold turkey no problem. by the time i went home for christmas the worst would be over, i wouldn't have to involve and freak out my family, i may still feel a little shitty but i'd be in a relaxing place and by the time school started again i'd be opiate free.
i'm sorry for going on about this. i really am getting fucking crazy. i have one more day to study for a final in a class i am a month behind in, and then four days to do a 15-20 page research paper on a topic i could spend a year trying to figure out. and if i don't do exceptionally well on both of these i won't be able to continue school. and what then? i can't just move back "home." there is no fucking home. i'm in fucking new york now the only option would be to find a job and an apartment and give up on the life i was hoping to have. maybe a little pessimistic.... i would get by somehow... but still. i mean, i have learned to see past what "just can't happen" and realize that even if it does we all make do and find a way, i know this. it doesn't mean that i can't be super fucking frustrated about having what seems like no way to control it... except going back to opiates.
btw... i'm still feeling the same about shelby. this girl gets all dressed up nice to get drunk with a bunch of boys. this girl is being super self-destructive..... and it's none of my business but just the thought of her being with someone else, and then having to see her several times a day.... is making me CRAZY. i know some of it is the withdrawals, it's making me overreact to shit and feel crazy anyways. and now she's like telling me if i need anything to please ask her because she's worried about me but now every time i see her or talk to her i just feel like all of the things that concern me could be true, and it doesn't matter if they are or not, because just the thought of it hurts me so much. and i know it's also the not knowing. in my experience if you find out for a fact that the thing you are freaking out about is true, it's so much easier to get over. but the wondering and the doubt and the suspicion will drive you fucking insane.