2008-05-18 - 3:34 a.m.
oh my god. it just keeps getting worse.
not that anything new has happened, i just keep getting worse
i did have a sort of revelation. for the longest time i've wondered why sometimes i cut and beat myself and find other ways to hurt myself. i had an idea.... perhaps it's a way of proving to myself that what i'm feeling is really bad. i mean.... it sort of validates it. like... if i can withstand large amounts of pain and find that tolerable then the other stuff that i'm feeling that isn't tolerable must be really bad. maybe it's the only way i have of validating myself, of knowing for a fact that i'm having a hard time dealing with something, not because i'm weak, but because it is something that is actually very difficult to deal with. i can tell people what i'm going through but everyone experiences things differently. someone saying "that sounds hard" doesn't really know that it's hard, all they can do is try to imagine it for themselves.... or maybe they are just trying to be reassuring and comforting.
i'm really bad tonight. i really wish niva was here. i mean.... i dunno how much she could handle something like this.... a friend who has been going through withdrawals for so long and wants to badly not to go back to drugs that, despite a huge fear of death due to not believing in any kind of afterlife, is starting to wonder if suicide might be a good idea. don't get me wrong.... i'm pretty sure it won't come to that. i guess i'd rather be an addict again and always have that possibility of getting clean. part of it is i can't bear to have my family find out about this, and in death they probably would anyways.... although i wouldn't have to be there to see their reaction at least. i can't believe how most addicts are able to be open with this to their families. at least all the documentaries i've seen give that idea.... then again maybe it's just the families who know who contact the filmmakers and such. i wish i could tell my family.... i mean, a few years ago my mom said if she ever found out i did ecstasy she would disown me (during the time i was in fact doing LOTS of ecstasy... and i'm sure my father would be far less understanding than my mom), and more recently my parents said that they don't care what ever happens they are proud of me.... almost like they knew and were trying to let me know they supported me. i am pretty sure they don't know....although maybe. i mean years and years of doing hard drugs under their noses (i was doing meth around them quit a bit, and a milder opiate addiction stealing my mom's meds) could maybe be more powerful than their denial or unwillingness to believe i would do such things. in any case, it was very reassuring to hear that... i think the point they were making was it didn't matter if i couldn't get my phd they were very proud of all that i had accomplished. i mean i know they at least got a glimpse of how depressed i was when i ended up in the hospital while i was living with them... so i guess they understand how hard it is for me to just get through each day... or have an idea... and were trying to tell me that through all that i've done quite a lot. i dunno..... hearing something like that from them was probably the nicest thing ever.
it's fucked up how people being nice though can also put extra stress on you. because.... especially after such a nice sentiment, i would hate more than ever to devastate them or even disappoint them in any way.
my hand is burning because i put a cigarette out in it, and my face is bleeding from punching it. to give an idea of what kinds of pain really mean nothing to me right now, compared to everything else i'm going through.
and shelby was trying to comfort me. FUCK! just thinking about her makes me want to get back to where i was like a half hour ago when i did all this shit. she thinks i'm trying to do all this on my own and that it's silly. of course it's fucking silly! of course i don't want to do this on my own! but who the fuck wants to deal with this? what can anyone do for me that is worth me putting them through this? what the fuck am i supposed to expect or even ask of anyone? i've been in a place before where i've asked friends to hold on to my atm card so i wouldn't be able to buy drugs. that was something that was actually helpful, that they could do, and they already knew about my problem so all it did was make them feel better that they were helping. but now? nobody can do anything. can they make this feeling go away? can they make me capable of functioning normally so i can pass my fucking classes in the next week? no. all anyone can do is listen to me bitch about how shitty i feel and how useless i am and peopple already do that whether i ask them to or not, because one way or another i end up dumping it on someone when i'm out having a smoke because i can't stand to be in my room anymore.
bah. this is long enough. i'm just ranting. i should find something else to do. good night.