2008-05-17 - 5:09 a.m.
i'm not doing so well. i played so much guitar tonight that my fingers hurt... which i guess is a good thing. but aside from that...
i'm scared as hell about my final and my research paper. i studied quite a bit today and looked into my research topic. it only made me more nervous. fuck.
shelby is driving me fucking crazy. it's fine that she's hanging out with other people, but having to see it... having to see her regularly because she lives in my fucking building, seeing her and not having her beg me to stay with her but instead having a good time with other people, it's hard. i think it's not just because i miss her, but because i have so much experience with my friends kind of moving on from me but staying with each other.... like i'm suddenly out of the circle and yet it remains intact without me. i dunno....something like that. i'm just not handling it well. maybe i just miss her. maybe i just miss having someone miss me.
i didn't drink much less tonight. i failed at that completely, as i did with trying to go to sleep at a decent hour. it's past 5AM. i feel fucking useless and hopeless. i feel completely and totally fucked. on top of all that i feel so fucking unoriginal and uncreative.... if that's even a word. i can't create anything beautiful, i can only fucking try to imitate things that other people have created.
i suppose i can create scars. on myself and occasionally others. maybe i'll just keep going with that.
i'm honestly starting to wonder if something is really wrong with me. i mean, fuck... who would be surprised? i've been on drugs and alcohol for years, i've hardly gotten through a single day sober in the past 4 or 5 years. but still.... drug addicts get clean and move on and have decent lives right? sometimes. bah. fuck. i dunno. all i can think is that maybe i am losing weight cuz i am hardly eating and there are opiates in my fat and so i'm still detoxing, because it just doesn't seem right to detox for over a month. i had two cups of coffee today and i felt like SHIT. i used to drink TONS of coffee, during the times i was not doing drugs so much, and sure it made me feel crappy but not like this.
i just don't know what to do anymore. i guess every day still gets a little better. but it feels like it gets a little better and then worse and then better etc.
i feel so fucking stupid for wanting to be with shelby right now. why don't i just ask her? she fucking did that to me a million times. but i can't i'm trying to be GOOD. fuck. besides it seems like she's trying to move on and it makes me just feel shittier. i kow it sounds stupid, but i've been in a similar situation before, and as fucked up as it sounds, it really hurts when someone moves on even if you're the one who forced them to. besides i obviously liked her enough to get into a relationship, something i never do anymore. i love her. it just didn't work. that doesn't mean i don't fucking miss her like crazy. i'd write a song about it but i apparently lack that ability.
and now the sun is coming up. fuck again.
there's about 2 inches of beer left in my last bottle. which means it won't be long before i don't even have that to comfort me. i would say i should switch to hard alcohol, but i'm trying to LESSEN my alcoholism. even still, i don't want to be without it right now because it's basically all i have. nothing else works. i try to do other things, but i just end up failing at them. i am just reminded of how much i suck at the only things that matter to me. of how i will never feel good about myself. drugs and alcohol don't do that. they don't care who you are or if you're good or bad. they are just there for you no matter what. to make you feel better, even if you don't have anything to offer back. the only thing i could ever do right, because you can't really do it wrong. or maybe you can only do it wrong, i dunno.whatever. point is i'm having a hard time trying to get clean. because, honestly.... i really don't know if i can handle life.
i'm dreading drinking the last of this beer. maybe i'll steal some from my roommate, i think he has some in the fridge. still, i don't want to be without that comfort right now. right now it feels like that's all i have. oh and this diary, which is kinda nice.
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