2008-05-16 - 5:24 p.m.
so i got up today, before 2PM which isn't terrible, and forced myself to eat something. I threw out all the garbage laying around my room, and washed all the dishes that were doing the same. i made coffee, drank some (duh), and even though it's still making me feel like crap i don't think it's as bad and it helped me get a ton of grading done in a very short time. so all in all it's been a productive day so far, and soon i'm gonna start studying for my quantum final.
my body has been hurting a lot and feeling really weak. i'm not sure what's wrong, since i don't recall doing anything to feel like this. i mean... i know opiate withdrawal is supposed to make any aches or pains a lot worse, but i'm pretty sure my withdrawal is over for the most part. i'm trying to stop using it as an excuse to not be responsible or get important things done. but at the same time i find it hard to believe that it's supposed to be this hard. maybe there's something else going on. maybe i'm really sick. i don't have insurance though, and i'd rather get some before finding out (or rather, before any insurance company finds out) that i have some illness that will require medical attention. maybe i'm just being paranoid though, maybe i'm really just having a hard time with life, maybe i'm pretending i'm emotionally ok when really i'm not and it's taking its toll on my body and brain.
i haven't really been practicing guitar, but i've been playing a little bit. last night i started playing a chord progression and started humming a decent melody over it. i'm really looking forward to school being over so i can start putting some time into that, writing and recording stuff. of course, at this point i'm still pretty shy about singing unless i'm drunk and even then i still hold back a lot.
also i was just playing my guitar, improvising, trying to incorporate different things to make it sound better and give it some kind of structure so it doesn't sound like a bunch of boring nonsense, and i got into a few lines that actually sounded pretty good, and i've been getting better at knowing which notes to play to match what i'm hearing in my head.
blah blah blah, probably boring shit, but that's what's going on.
i still sometimes wonder if i should be doing music instead of physics. i think if i can get back to where i was when i was on the suboxone, where i was really putting a lot of time into both, and started to feel more confident in my knowledge of physics and ability to solve problems and stuff, i think i'll feel better about doing what i'm doing. because i was still spending a lot of time on music (probably too much), and improving a lot in school at the same time.
ok i've procrastinated long enough. i'm gonna go shower and then start studying. i have much to do, and less time to do it in.