2008-05-15 - 2:27 a.m.
bah. i had a really great time with niva tonight. now i'm just having a really hard time
drinking isn't helping. playing guitar isn't helping. i just suck at fucking everything and i wish dying didn't freak me out so much or i at least had medical insurance so i could cut my fucking wrists and be done with it already.
i fucking hate my ex right now. not because anything she's done.... ok fuck that sure because of what she's done, and more because of what i imagine she's doing right now even though i have no good evidence to think so. how can you dump someone and still be so fucking hurt at the thought of them being with someone else? at least she knows SHE doesn't have to worry about that shit. who am i gonna fuck? besides her if she waits till i'm drunk enough to ask. FUCK. so i mean besides that she wants me to help her become a fucking heroin addict. i'm touched, really, that she would want so badly to be JUST LIKE ME. fucking stupid bitch. i'm still not even over the drugs or the relationship and she doesn't seem to give a shit.
i am being retarded right now and probably will regret posting this shit. i just have no idea what to do. i guiess i have sharp objects... at least it's not drugs right? FUCK what i wouldn't give to shoot up JUST ONCE. but no i'm being good and everyone expects that of me. the best of them tell me how proud they are of me and it means so much, but in the end maybe nobody should be proud of me because all i want to do is destroy my body hurt myself and fucking be miserable.