2008-05-13 - 12:30 a.m.
another update, how exciting!
first of all, i slept with shelby last night. not the kind of thing i go around sharing in a public place but hey she basically told a bunch of her and our friends so bam there it is. i don't mind that she was telling people tho, and i'm kinda disappointed i was so drunk (i probably would have said no otherwisebut...) because it was pretty fucking amazing and i wish i could remember it better. yes it was nice tho, and she seems to be in a better mood now, so that's good. maybe we both just needed to get laid? whatever...
i was supposed to get some more suboxone (the opiate meds i was taking to help me get clean slowly so i can still function) from my friend laura, but she was going through some crap and couldn't come down and the later in the day it got, the more i started realizing i AM still going through withdrawals a little bit, but i'm getting better and i really think i can do this - finals and research paper i mean - without opiates. i really don't want to go through this again... i want so badly to stay clean and sober. i don't mind doing something once in a while but being dependent on drugs and feeling like shit all the time with or without them is starting to be too much for me. maybe i'm just getting old, maybe IT'S getting old, but i want to get on with my life and start doing the things i've been talking about doing for years, but keep putting off or keep thinking i'll start doing it tomorrow3. i'm doing it today... too many tomorrows and life is over. i'm fucking doing this. i may fuck up here or there, but as long as i keep pushing forward and not fall back into a real addiction, where things just fall apart and you drop back to rock bottom and have to start from scratch all over again, i think i can do it. i guess only time will tell. maybe i'm hopeless. i could accept that too i guess. it's an endless source of conflict and it's interesting at least. that used to be a big draw to me in fact, and now it's not so much, but.... the point is life is always worth living, good or bad, but now i'm shooting for good.
the end of my rant
huh? yeah i dunno. ok, good night (for now?)