2008-05-11 - 12:54 a.m.
i'm still not feeling so great. i can't do anything, i sleep from 7AM to 3PM, and all i want to do is drink and even that is starting to be unpleasant (may be a good thing). i feel like i'm going crazy. am i still going through withdrawals? i still feel sick. i can't eat, i have no energy. i tried drinking a lot of water today and taking vitamins... i also drank a bit of coffee to try to get some energy so i could get some work done, perhaps that's why i feel fucked up and crappy. i just wish i was able to do something to replace the lack of drugs and girlfriend... i could before i stopped my medication and now i just can't. i dunno if this is going to pass, seeing as how i haven't been able to overcome being unproductive before being on my meds, but i really want to be clean and it seems kinda shitty to only be able to live life if i'm on opiates.
i'm just really disappointed because i was doing so well again, and it always passes and i go right back in to some fucked up place. i'm useless, and i seem to only get a taste of what it's like to change, just enough to make me feel even worse about falling back into old habits.
i'm hoping that taking small steps will get me where i need to go... and who knows, maybe i am still going through withdrawals and it'll get easier.
things with shelby are confusing. i can't tell if she is getting better or just has good moments occasionally and that's when i've been seeing her. her friends were visiting this weekend, so i'm sure that helped. it really bothered me that i didn't hear from her last night, which is silly because before that i was like telling her to leave me the hell alone. mainly because i couldn't do anything for her and yet she kept asking for help. also it REALLY bothered me that some guy was texting her at 5AM the other night while we were out having a cigarette. that was the same night i came so close to asking her to come over because i was really drunk and not using my better judgement. i'm glad i resisted. but if she had asked me i don't think i could have.
it's so weird how last night i looked through a bunch of my old entries and i realized i used to be so caught up in problems with friends or girls or whatever, and although i think having a girlfriend for a while and being so social where i live has caused me to digress a bit (?) i don't have that much attachment to such things. i don't know what i'm attached to. nothing? something better or perhaps worse? i just don't know. i guess just the idea of improving myself, and the expectation of failure in that respect.
i'm really excited about seeing niva next week. i recently found out she lives very close to me, and we're gonna go out to dinner next week. that'll be nice. i've been making a bit of an effort to go out more often lately. it hasn't happened but i'm sure it will.
i hate this. i don't feel like doing ANYthing, i should be going to bed, yeet i know i won't be able to sleep through the night. so i'm stuck here trying to pass time that should be spent on something. argle.
that's it. an attempt at starting up my regular updates again. lots more bitching to come. i think.