2008-05-10 - 3:45 a.m.
two entries in one night huh? i'm just getting nostalgic. fuck man.... i was looking through my guestbook and it's amazing. so intense thinking about the past. i also don't remember most of it so... i dunno it's nice to read all the nice things people say and even the people who said mean things.... like it used to really bother me and now it just makes me laugh. i probably haven't been the best person to know, despite what i used to think. a lot of people wanted to see me happy and i just didn't have it in myself to be that way and i'm sure it hurt a lot of people, and a lot of people hurt me. i guess because of that i just feel like i've been there and done that and it doesn't affect me anymore. i mean sure it can, depending on who sasys what i guess, maybe it's just cuz i don't let myself get so close and expect so much anymore that things don't get to me as much. i dunno... i'm rambling ut it's just interesting to compare then and now, and beautiful just thinking about back then. life is such a trip. it really is.
i've actually been thinking quite a bit lately about the many experiences i've had. about the many good and bad things i've done, about the many things i've overcome and the things i'm still fighting to overcome, and it's so incredible how someone can experience so much in a small period of their life. if i go back further i mean.... it's the same thing. i probably have experienced the most in the past several years but still..... life is wild and crazy and exciting and unexpected and.... yeah so many things so many ellipses blah blah blah. i'm just really thankful to be alive and to have another chance every day to do something new, better or worse in the end it's all so beautiful and incredible. perhaps i'm being overly optemistic. i've been pretty down lately too... the only reason suicide hasn't become tempting is because i believe once you die you cease to exist forever and that scares the hell out of me. but that's good, because it forces me to fight through the hard times and in the end it's all worth it.
so off i go to try and sleep before the sun comes up (probably won't happen) and make a better day of tomorrow than i was able to today. and i'm so greatful for everyone i've ever known or who has ever reached out to me. i may not have always been worthwhile for them and i regret that, but they have done so much for me.