2008-05-10 - 2:45 a.m.
i haven't written in a long time, as has been the case for my past oh so many entries. i spoke with my mom for a while earlier and now i was thinking about some stuff she said, and i was thinking about her, and it inspired me to get my thoughts out here. so i'm back!
first a catch up. bah, i'm living in new york city now. west harlem. working on my phd at the city university of new york. last semester was bad, this semester was great but is now falling apart (explanation follows), but i think if i can get through what i'm going through i can get bck to what i had going earlier this semester and hold on to it.
so i had a pretty bad addiction to painkillers when i moved here. after about a week and a half of withdrawals and stress from the move and school, i gave in and started doing the only strong opiate i could find, heroin. in cali i had access to very mucho oxycontin and it was fab but pricey, in fact i couldn't afford that addiction any more than i could heroin. in FACT, heroin is relatively cheap here in the nyc, but i was still spending about 100 bucks a day on it, when it peaked, shooting up between 5 and 8 times a day, between a bag and a half and two bags each time, give or take (some stuff was weaker). i'm sure people are worse off with it, but i think it was pretty bad, considering when i started heroin i could still take 10 vicodin and yet half a bag was a bit much.
side note: i'm probablyu being WAY too honest right now, but i'm drunk (more on THAT later too)
so anyways, i got into a treatment program... for the first time in all my drug experience because let's face it, heroin is a bitch to get off of especially if you don't have two weeks to spare doing nothing but being in agony. i simply didn't have the time to go cold turkey, nor the will power to just cut back and taper off. i recently finished my meds, about three weeks ago, and have been going through withdrawalsw ever since bad enough to be so unproductive and useless, whereas while i was on the meds i was kicking ass. i think i'm about through all that, but am realizing i still have a really hard time doing the things i need to do.
on top of all this, i got a really amazing girlfriend (Shelby) after i moved here, and after about 4 months together we broke up. it's a shame i'm just posting now, only to mention how it's over, because she was really great and deserved more mention in here, and maybe i will mention her more in the future, but for now i will just say the breakup has been hard and.... yeah. i really don't have the concentration to go to much into detail, cuz it would take some effort. not as easy as chronicling my drug use.
finally there's the alcohol thing. i of course ran right back to it without the opiates, but i have been feeling really motivated to stop drinking UNsocially. right now i'm going through a hard time but i'm commited to doing better and i guess a person can only change so much at a time. so i'm trying to improve and hopefully i'll get there.
now that the original reason for posting will be buried in a bunch of bullshit.... i just had a nice conversaton with my mom tonight and now i don'[t even know how to describe what was so moving, other than that she is a very wise person and i feel very greatful to have parents who have been through so much and can bestow that experience and knowledge on me. you don't appreciate it so much when you're young because you don't understand and you haven't been there, but when you get older and you've had some of those experiences for yourself and it's like... wow my parents went through this too at some point and they really undeerstand. anyways, i just think it's a really amazing thing.
there. i probably shouldn't post this cuz no one wants to hear about the drug thing. but how reads this anymore? i haven't posted in so long everyone's probably forgotten. and if you are reading this, i'm sorry for freaking you out.
actually i had this kind of weird thought tonight. about whether you are actually doing someone a service when you really freak them out. because in a weird way you are expanding their mind and giving them something to deal with that, although it's hard, in the end will make them more worldly and knowledgeable. i probably didn't explain that well but whatevs
<3 (always)