2011-12-15 - 6:18 a.m.
first time in quite a while when i had the urge to feel something sharp against my skin. i have grown so useless and pathetic i can't imagine how to go on living. not that i am or have i ever been suicidal, but i did use to find comfort in marking myself and giving myself pain to cover what i was really feeling.
what the hell am i going to do!? i am so far gone, i keep gaining weight, i sleep most of the day as well as the night, and when i don't i am drunk and doing nothing worthwhile. i am not worthwhile, not anymore. i used to do so much with myself, i used to be so good, do so many interesting things, LEARN so many interesting things and exercise my brain every day. but no one ever cared. they treated me like some useless piece of shit. so that's what i've become. no... i shouldn't blame the world or even specific people (as tempting as it is), i should blame myself. i have become so lazy... so fucking lazy.
i have to wonder about so many things. my upbringing, my nature... i have never been good at school but usually quite good at my own extracurricular activities (and no i'm not talking about drugs, sex, alcohol, or anything like that). i always assumed when i got to a point where school overlapped with my own interests i would do well. but over a decade has taught me otherwise. i am doomed to be pathetic, go nowhere, no matter what i try. i keep thinking i can change, wanting it so badly and often being so close, but it just never happens. what am i going to be when i grow up? god i hope i can give some answer other than what i am, now that i have grown up. i hope i can change things, but i have no reason to believe i ever will. i have no reason left to live, other than the ability to hide my failings to those who care, in particular my parents. i wouldn't mind dying so much i think if it weren't for them. i believe you only get one chance at life, and i've failed miserably. if only i could believe something else, but it's not in me to believe what makes me feel better. as much as i look down on those who obviously believe in whatever makes life easier for them, i envy them as well. i'm stuck being a waste of life and space, with only the hope of changing things and the ever present failure of succeeding that presents itself every time the sun comes up. no wonder i have always been so fond of the night and so resentful of the dawn, even when i was a better person. the sunrise is my natural enemy.